Dear George Washington,
I hope you can read this. I’m not sure what the internet speeds were like back in the 18th century, but if they’re anything like the 56k I had growing up you might as well just leave this to load and go chop up some cherry trees or whatever you do for fun. Sorry about all the images.
Hey man! How’s it going? What’s it like being President? These are obviously rhetorical questions and I don’t expect an answer. I know you’re busy. Please just accept my thank you for taking the lead on this project we call America. I knew you were a good pick based on all of your victories during the Revolutionary War.
This one was my favorite.
I just wanted to write to see what it’s like being the first President. I bet it’s pretty crazy, right? Politics, I mean, sheesh. I was also hoping that I could maybe mention some things that you could change for me, just get them in right at the start of this nation’s history so we don’t have to deal with them now.
First of all, the imperial system, what the fuck. Pardon my language, sir, but how does that shit even make sense? Why would we make our base unit of measurement 12? We have 10 fingers and 10 toes, how is everybody OK with a foot being 12 inches? And it’s not even consistent! There are 12 inches in a foot, 3 feet in a yard, 22 yards in a chain, 10 chains in a furlong, 8 furlongs in a mile, and 3 miles in a league WHAT IS HAPPENING HERE. I even had to LOOK THAT UP. We’re using a system that nobody remembers, let alone understands, and I haven’t even gotten to maritime units. I see the number 3 in there twice, so I’m going to assume that this system is based on how many… um… we… wow, we don’t have three of anything.
Unless, of course, you ask the internet.
Speaking of nobody understanding things, you really gotta lock down a good education program, man. Seriously, I can’t even tell you how many people there are out these that don’t understand basic concepts. It all boils down to a good education, and while intentions are good, only a small, small percentage of citizens are actually getting one. One a scale of 1-1000, America scores around 500 in education. This is unacceptable, especially if we as a nation continue to tout ourselves as the “Greatest Country on this here Planet thingy”.
OH COME ON.
You’ll be proud of us, though. With the dawn of the internet age, we’re LEARNING. More and more people are getting involved in politics and the direction this place is heading. Information is more readily available, and even the laziest of us are getting news of what’s going on outside of our dark, cold, cheeto-encrusted apartments. Not for the government’s lack of trying, though. With bills like SOPA and PIPA, our leaders are still trying to stop us from expressing our opinions and creativity on a large scale. They continue to suppress our conquest for digital freedom, and we all know how that would affect your leisure time.
Your hashtags always crack me up. @mofukkingeedubs #warlol
All this aside, however, America is a pretty great place. You can buy pretty much whatever you want if you have the money. Too bad not many of us have it right now, but that’s not really your fault. I know I’m being critical, and you’ve got a lot on your plate, but just know that I’m proud of you my friend. You must feel immense pressure being the first President, but just remember… as the first of something, you set the bar. Aim high. You’re gonna do great. We even put you on our money! Twice.
Anyway, I hope this reaches you. As always, you’re awesome bro. Write back soon.
-Geoff.
P.S. Oh, also…
Can you just, like... get rid of Jersey?
5 comments
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Dylan
March 12, 2012 at 12:05 PM (UTC -7) Link to this comment
Pssh… an elephant is bigger than the moon. Every time I’ve seen the moon in real life, I could cover it with my thumb. Elephants would require a bigger thumb, vis a vis…. knowledge’d.
Sandra
March 12, 2012 at 12:46 PM (UTC -7) Link to this comment
I LOVE Dylan. Also… the Jersey Shore kids are procreating. Get ready for a whole lot of crazy squared on the planet.
AnnaV
March 12, 2012 at 4:33 PM (UTC -7) Link to this comment
Jersey Shore parents? Fuuuuuuccccckkkkkkk.
I’m not a fan of eugenics by any means, but some people just make me wonder…
I didn’t know our number system was called the imperial system…wait, why did we name it that? In the hopes that it would conquer and force rule upon the metric system? Wha?
Things we have three of:
..
..
Well, a guy with one arm has three limbs?
..
..
Aha! Three types of hematic cells in blood! Red, white, and platelets!
Um…
Colors in the eye! Pupil, Iris, Sclera (aka white part).
Okay, you might be right. We are a fairly symmetrical species.
AnnaV
March 12, 2012 at 4:44 PM (UTC -7) Link to this comment
njkj
AnnaV
March 12, 2012 at 4:52 PM (UTC -7) Link to this comment
Hey Geoff…
on an unrelated technical note, can someone please explain to me how I change the little gravatar to a real picture? Don’t get me wrong, the gravatar’s quite lovely, it’s just…well…it’s not very “me” if you know what I mean.